Category Archives: Word and Song

Signal

Signal….

Wave across the water for me.

Drowning, I try and fail to paddle to your lighthouse in the heart of this wild sea that is my love for you. Dying of thirst, I keep crawling to your oasis in the middle of this desert that is my loss of you. Distance is meaningless when you’re a flight away. Worse, distance is meaningless, as you still have a part of me with you. Time takes its time in returning myself to me.

Oh I’ve been travelling…

Daydreams and nightmares, you straddle both like the furies. Now, I endure what I used to welcome: you residing in the centre of my thoughts. All I had ever needed was to think about you, and you would appear like a devil i mentally spoke of. You were the star my orbit, and I welcomed how it felt to gravitate towards you. I had been an asteroid, travelling aimlessly through the space that has been my love life. Now, I realise that I’m a meteor, who burned brightly in your love, for a short time, to fade away.

Waiting for a moment of peace.

Do you remember that fear? Suffering in silence? For ten days, I died and like an anti-messiah, you did not wait three days to call upon me; you called to me every day. All i could do was close my eyes and hold on; the little deaths were a mercy, while I waited for peace to come.

It never came.

These stormy weathers, have got me thinking of how I want it to be.

We found it. We had it. Life was chaotic, but I have never seen you be so alive within the near madness of it all. I believe that the tempestuous times were temporary, and by God, you flourished. You welcomed my depravity, looked deeper, without any prompting, and found the purity I hide from everyone. We could have had it all…. but all I have is nothing. Somehow, in your eyes, I became harbinger of ruin. It’s hard to blame you: until my advent, you knew exactly how your life would be. It was easy to fear the uncertainty I seemed to represent, than to accept how certain I am. Remember that at the eye of every hurricane is calm. Still, so be it; I will be the storm.

Signal…..

Light a thousand fires under me.

Passion, inflamed by my desire. was it real? It makes no difference. What is real is that I have been burned, and will bear these scars for the rest of my life. Do you truly understand, or are you still absorbed with your guilt? Do you remember who you were? Do you feel relief at returning to that? There is comfort in the familiar. I do not begrudge you anything. You asked me to show you what I saw, and I became your mirror. I wonder who scared you more; me or you?

Give me no doubt……

It was all I asked for in return for everything. It is however, a bitter but necessary pill to swallow; the truth that you were never obligated to reciprocate. If not for anything else, I’m grateful to be reminded that I can give of myself, without fear or restraint to what I deem to be worthy. I return to the abyss, in a lot of pain, but full of hope that i will come out again.

That I’m the one who never has to leave.

I left, bearing my shame and humiliation with a smile. I knew the cost of what I dared. The porcelain mask I wore that had the smile shattered the moment I could be by myself, in my own space. For the first time in my life, I could not bear it alone. For the first time, I paid with not just my heart, but with everything. My world stopped spinning, even as the world didn’t; all I could do was cry the pain away. You risk everything, and pay with everything. There must always be balance.

Oh I’ve been divided, time and time again you keep the peace.

How could I not seek to be your rock? Why would I not support you when you were down? Why would I not encourage you when indecision strained you? Even when we were in a state of flux, I wanted you to remember that who I am and what I feel are solid. In trying to bring you out of your self-absorption, I ended up fixating. I got carried away. I had found peace in you. All I ever wanted to do was reciprocate. I had been so blind.

Give me shelter; let me be the man I wanted to be.

I saw and believed, that you were a dream come true. I wanted to make all your dreams and fantasies a reality. But all dreams end when the dreamer wakes, and I have woken up alone.

If my dream of you was a lie, at the very least, may your dream for you come true.

*Inspired by SOHN’s “Signal”

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Salt

We let love be like water to wine,

And being with you was beyond a dream come true. It was divine. You were everything I wanted. More than that, you became all I needed. With you, any and everything became possible. You were my living miracle.

We let love be the higher design,

And with you, I could believe in destiny. There were too many coincidences to not believe in the designs of an entity beyond our understanding. I was happy to trust fate.

We let love be a call in the night,

And I will never forget the nights I put you to sleep. To hear you drift off, into dreams of me and our future, was pure bliss. Hearing you snore was never a bore either; it was a lot of fun. Besides, it was ammunition to use in teasing you.

We let love be be the fire divine,

As you set my soul alight and my body on fire in the passion of our lovemaking. For each time I lost myself thrusting into you, I found myself in your heart, and felt like I had come home.

You,

Won’t let go of it all,

But realise even as you try to bear it all, your guilt, my disappointment, our love and hurts, that something has to give. Even goddesses are limited to their worshippers. Your pedestal is no more, by your own hands. You have made me an apostate.

And I,

Know I started it all.

I broke the taboo. I am to blame for how we began, as I knew you belonged to another. I dared to want it all, to have it all, and forgot that I was never dependent on me alone. Now I wear my failure like a coat of ugly colours.

But I,

Know I started to run,

Towards you, even you as you ran further away. I was so caught up on who you could be, that I never stopped to think about whether you wanted to be what I saw in you. I would have followed you anywhere, for as long as it took, but I should have seen that it wasn’t what you wanted.

And You,

Won’t let go of the gun.

Our revolver of love and pain. Five times, you shot me as you let me go. Five times, I have died inside and then come back to life, after you again like a revenant. This time, with a tearful smile, I hold the barrel firm and welcome your last shot. There is no return; I am done.

And in that moment, reflecting on all that has happened to us, we ask ourselves:

“O god below, what have we done?”

*One of many versions inspired by RY X’s “Salt”


iRobot

I knew what love was.

Or maybe love is the wrong definition for what i felt. It was overwhelming, all consuming. It was way beyond fondness; that’s for sure.  It’s all gone now, and I cannot pretend to be empty, even if my chest feels hollow. You hold my heart in your hand. Maybe I am Davy Jones, my Celeste, but there is a certainty of loss that comes with the pain from the knife you stabbed it with. I am simply archiving the hurt. Colours hold no meaning now; I only see in greyscale.

Now when they ask me,

What is there to say? That I gave up my world for a new one, and lost both? That I traded everything for nothing? There is no substitute. There is no distraction. Only loss.

I just reply slow,

As my CPU has been corrupted. You are that virus, and there is no instant remedy. My memory is a cloud. You are that fever that one has to sweat out. You are the delirium that keeps me in a restless waking dream…and it really isn’t your fault.

It’s mine.

And sound like an iPhone.

The same one that I could not bear to look, at. Our conversations are in it, eternally preserved as a monument to my love and loss. I will not destroy it, as it’s a good reminder and a better lesson.

I do not know love.

For all I have learned and experienced, for alll the times I have been jaded, I know nothing. For all my prayers, plans, hopes and efforts, I was blind and thus, blindsided. I will have to learn again.

I am a robot.

*Inspired by Jon Bellion’s “iRobot”.


Hallucinations

The sun sets, and twilight appears, heralding the ascendancy of night.

That is what you are to me. Shadow of my heart: neither light nor dark, but a part of and apart from both. You are the grey, the ghost that haunts the sub-rosa world of my mind. You are that phantom that I can almost see in the corners of my eyes as I turn.

As darkness falls, I see that I am truly possessed.

You rule my memories, pulling me into the past. I can still feel the pain in the scars your touches and bites gave me. I must confess that despite myself, I relish it. Reality and fantasies blur in the wounds you inflicted, and I’ve been swept away, like flotsam in a maelstrom of love and hate for you.

There is a tai-fung behind my smile.

I have been devoured by you.

And then discarded. I sought an escape in sleep, but even that was denied me. My dreams have been your playground, and you are a terrible child, my darling. One would think that you’d discard a toy after you have broken it……

And so, I must exorcise you.

You pierce the fabric that separates my mind and body, connected to me through that part of me that I left behind with you, as if you have a voodoo doll. You are therefore at the back of my mind, like an alter-ego, or a manifestation of my sins, Your presence is a possible penance, and I will not lose, to myself or you.

Then I will be free.

Birds with broken wings can and will still fly again. This hurricane I’m in is but a thermal updraft, and I am a phoenix. Stay in the past, demon-goddess, where you can be forgotten in the back of my mind.

Inspired by DVSN’s “Hallucinations”.


Loneliness

Loneliness comes in waves.

How do I reach out to you, when I walked knowingly into this ocean of suffering? I’m drowning, like a water sacrifice to the altar of others’ happiness. Funny; they never asked me to do so, but they had better appreciate it.

Loneliness comes in waves.

The tide has dragged me too far. Is it too late to be rescued? The ripple I started in the shore of my recent past is quickly turning into a tsunami. I want to go back. What do I need to do to stay afloat? There are no mermaids here; only sharks.

Loneliness comes in waves.

There is a storm coming. I’m scared of drowning. I’m also scared of swimming back to shore. Still, even I can tell that indecision will kill me. I cannot keep suffering in silence, alone, even when surrounded by other people. I want to be understood, to be accepted as I am, on your dry earth. Nothing is stable, not earth, not water, but I am tired of water.

Loneliness comes in waves. Please, bring be back to the shore.

Inspired by Jon Bellion’s “Loneliness comes in waves”

He’s awesome!


Fire & Desire

Can you see it?

Who thought that the flame you carried within you would burn me? You torched my icy heart to powder. I am nothing but ashes, sand in the desert that is your life.

This is our song of ice and fire.

This is our snow. This is our dragon. We both will never give in. We want it all….even at the very cost of ourselves. That in itself is the  point. We get it, and it is our undoing. We consume ourselves while simultaneously, and unhealthily, give ourselves life. We are the snow dragon of Russia.

Poisoned Ouroboros.

There is no god out of this machine, as the god you call love died eons ago. What burns so brightly, defiantly, sadly, is an echo, a reminder of what could be, but will never be attained. We have gone too far, giving up the very thing we sought at the beginning.

Lightning strikes the Kalahari where my heart resides; I dream of rain.

And what i see is a sun goddess. Amaterasu. I am of the night, my darling. I must look away. Yet, you force my eyes open, to behold you in your blazing glory. Do you not know that the world will burn in eternal flames without the cool of darkness to offset it?

Let me go.

*Inspired by listening to Drake’s “Fire & Desire”


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