Signal

Signal….

Wave across the water for me.

Drowning, I try and fail to paddle to your lighthouse in the heart of this wild sea that is my love for you. Dying of thirst, I keep crawling to your oasis in the middle of this desert that is my loss of you. Distance is meaningless when you’re a flight away. Worse, distance is meaningless, as you still have a part of me with you. Time takes its time in returning myself to me.

Oh I’ve been travelling…

Daydreams and nightmares, you straddle both like the furies. Now, I endure what I used to welcome: you residing in the centre of my thoughts. All I had ever needed was to think about you, and you would appear like a devil i mentally spoke of. You were the star my orbit, and I welcomed how it felt to gravitate towards you. I had been an asteroid, travelling aimlessly through the space that has been my love life. Now, I realise that I’m a meteor, who burned brightly in your love, for a short time, to fade away.

Waiting for a moment of peace.

Do you remember that fear? Suffering in silence? For ten days, I died and like an anti-messiah, you did not wait three days to call upon me; you called to me every day. All i could do was close my eyes and hold on; the little deaths were a mercy, while I waited for peace to come.

It never came.

These stormy weathers, have got me thinking of how I want it to be.

We found it. We had it. Life was chaotic, but I have never seen you be so alive within the near madness of it all. I believe that the tempestuous times were temporary, and by God, you flourished. You welcomed my depravity, looked deeper, without any prompting, and found the purity I hide from everyone. We could have had it all…. but all I have is nothing. Somehow, in your eyes, I became harbinger of ruin. It’s hard to blame you: until my advent, you knew exactly how your life would be. It was easy to fear the uncertainty I seemed to represent, than to accept how certain I am. Remember that at the eye of every hurricane is calm. Still, so be it; I will be the storm.

Signal…..

Light a thousand fires under me.

Passion, inflamed by my desire. was it real? It makes no difference. What is real is that I have been burned, and will bear these scars for the rest of my life. Do you truly understand, or are you still absorbed with your guilt? Do you remember who you were? Do you feel relief at returning to that? There is comfort in the familiar. I do not begrudge you anything. You asked me to show you what I saw, and I became your mirror. I wonder who scared you more; me or you?

Give me no doubt……

It was all I asked for in return for everything. It is however, a bitter but necessary pill to swallow; the truth that you were never obligated to reciprocate. If not for anything else, I’m grateful to be reminded that I can give of myself, without fear or restraint to what I deem to be worthy. I return to the abyss, in a lot of pain, but full of hope that i will come out again.

That I’m the one who never has to leave.

I left, bearing my shame and humiliation with a smile. I knew the cost of what I dared. The porcelain mask I wore that had the smile shattered the moment I could be by myself, in my own space. For the first time in my life, I could not bear it alone. For the first time, I paid with not just my heart, but with everything. My world stopped spinning, even as the world didn’t; all I could do was cry the pain away. You risk everything, and pay with everything. There must always be balance.

Oh I’ve been divided, time and time again you keep the peace.

How could I not seek to be your rock? Why would I not support you when you were down? Why would I not encourage you when indecision strained you? Even when we were in a state of flux, I wanted you to remember that who I am and what I feel are solid. In trying to bring you out of your self-absorption, I ended up fixating. I got carried away. I had found peace in you. All I ever wanted to do was reciprocate. I had been so blind.

Give me shelter; let me be the man I wanted to be.

I saw and believed, that you were a dream come true. I wanted to make all your dreams and fantasies a reality. But all dreams end when the dreamer wakes, and I have woken up alone.

If my dream of you was a lie, at the very least, may your dream for you come true.

*Inspired by SOHN’s “Signal”

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