Monthly Archives: March 2017

Hope

I blame no one for succumbing to nostalgia

It’s a temptation I find near-impossible to bear

In the past, our world was a utopia

And we lived without any worry or care

Now I’m marooned in the present

Alone

In an inner civil war, repelling self-pity, as self love remains absent

Like falling in love is a sin for which I must atone

So I look to the future

Unsure

But I know that in time and letting go lies my cure

Then I can be wholly myself again; till then, I endure.

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Signal

Signal….

Wave across the water for me.

Drowning, I try and fail to paddle to your lighthouse in the heart of this wild sea that is my love for you. Dying of thirst, I keep crawling to your oasis in the middle of this desert that is my loss of you. Distance is meaningless when you’re a flight away. Worse, distance is meaningless, as you still have a part of me with you. Time takes its time in returning myself to me.

Oh I’ve been travelling…

Daydreams and nightmares, you straddle both like the furies. Now, I endure what I used to welcome: you residing in the centre of my thoughts. All I had ever needed was to think about you, and you would appear like a devil i mentally spoke of. You were the star my orbit, and I welcomed how it felt to gravitate towards you. I had been an asteroid, travelling aimlessly through the space that has been my love life. Now, I realise that I’m a meteor, who burned brightly in your love, for a short time, to fade away.

Waiting for a moment of peace.

Do you remember that fear? Suffering in silence? For ten days, I died and like an anti-messiah, you did not wait three days to call upon me; you called to me every day. All i could do was close my eyes and hold on; the little deaths were a mercy, while I waited for peace to come.

It never came.

These stormy weathers, have got me thinking of how I want it to be.

We found it. We had it. Life was chaotic, but I have never seen you be so alive within the near madness of it all. I believe that the tempestuous times were temporary, and by God, you flourished. You welcomed my depravity, looked deeper, without any prompting, and found the purity I hide from everyone. We could have had it all…. but all I have is nothing. Somehow, in your eyes, I became harbinger of ruin. It’s hard to blame you: until my advent, you knew exactly how your life would be. It was easy to fear the uncertainty I seemed to represent, than to accept how certain I am. Remember that at the eye of every hurricane is calm. Still, so be it; I will be the storm.

Signal…..

Light a thousand fires under me.

Passion, inflamed by my desire. was it real? It makes no difference. What is real is that I have been burned, and will bear these scars for the rest of my life. Do you truly understand, or are you still absorbed with your guilt? Do you remember who you were? Do you feel relief at returning to that? There is comfort in the familiar. I do not begrudge you anything. You asked me to show you what I saw, and I became your mirror. I wonder who scared you more; me or you?

Give me no doubt……

It was all I asked for in return for everything. It is however, a bitter but necessary pill to swallow; the truth that you were never obligated to reciprocate. If not for anything else, I’m grateful to be reminded that I can give of myself, without fear or restraint to what I deem to be worthy. I return to the abyss, in a lot of pain, but full of hope that i will come out again.

That I’m the one who never has to leave.

I left, bearing my shame and humiliation with a smile. I knew the cost of what I dared. The porcelain mask I wore that had the smile shattered the moment I could be by myself, in my own space. For the first time in my life, I could not bear it alone. For the first time, I paid with not just my heart, but with everything. My world stopped spinning, even as the world didn’t; all I could do was cry the pain away. You risk everything, and pay with everything. There must always be balance.

Oh I’ve been divided, time and time again you keep the peace.

How could I not seek to be your rock? Why would I not support you when you were down? Why would I not encourage you when indecision strained you? Even when we were in a state of flux, I wanted you to remember that who I am and what I feel are solid. In trying to bring you out of your self-absorption, I ended up fixating. I got carried away. I had found peace in you. All I ever wanted to do was reciprocate. I had been so blind.

Give me shelter; let me be the man I wanted to be.

I saw and believed, that you were a dream come true. I wanted to make all your dreams and fantasies a reality. But all dreams end when the dreamer wakes, and I have woken up alone.

If my dream of you was a lie, at the very least, may your dream for you come true.

*Inspired by SOHN’s “Signal”


Phantom Pain

I can see you in my mind’s eye, even as I pretend to not notice you staring at me. Your shyness endears me, just as your confidence inflames me.

All I smell is your perfume: heady, like a room full of opium fumes, giving me delusions about you. How I wish to be Marco Polo, even though I know there’s no Silk Road.

I can hear your voice in my head. There is no escaping this waking nightmare, my siren. My ship will break upon your rocks, right between Scylla or Charybdis. It matters not, for I am lost. What an Odyssey.

And I can taste you. Your sweat, on those afternoons in your concert jungle by the beach. My beard grew full, strong, nourished from drinking deep at your altar as i paid homage to the god between your legs. I worshipped with abandon. I never thought about what happens to a worshipper abandoned by his deity.

I cannot feel you anymore. You are gone with what is left of me.


Crossroads

Do you feel the world stop?

Has your mind been set on fire?

Can you feel your heart, your breathing stop?

As you feel every effort you made, expire?

Do you see the death of a dream?

Open your eyes.

Do you regret the forced disbanding of our team?

No matter; let’s say our goodbyes.

Do you feel it?

Drops of sweat, or liquid fears.

Maybe lust’s waterfall; how I loved to taste it.

No, it’s your heart’s rainfall. It’s called tears.

They will dry out, leaving tracks, sensations like a breeze on your skin.

Zephryean, teasing you with scents of the love we made.

You feel the loss of your soul-twin,

But will persevere with time, as all things fade.

So my darling, advance.

Don’t look back.

Make your peace; life is at the mercy of chance.

Endure,

Or don’t. Only you can decide if there’s a turning back.

Never will you find contentment if you remain unsure.


Salt

We let love be like water to wine,

And being with you was beyond a dream come true. It was divine. You were everything I wanted. More than that, you became all I needed. With you, any and everything became possible. You were my living miracle.

We let love be the higher design,

And with you, I could believe in destiny. There were too many coincidences to not believe in the designs of an entity beyond our understanding. I was happy to trust fate.

We let love be a call in the night,

And I will never forget the nights I put you to sleep. To hear you drift off, into dreams of me and our future, was pure bliss. Hearing you snore was never a bore either; it was a lot of fun. Besides, it was ammunition to use in teasing you.

We let love be be the fire divine,

As you set my soul alight and my body on fire in the passion of our lovemaking. For each time I lost myself thrusting into you, I found myself in your heart, and felt like I had come home.

You,

Won’t let go of it all,

But realise even as you try to bear it all, your guilt, my disappointment, our love and hurts, that something has to give. Even goddesses are limited to their worshippers. Your pedestal is no more, by your own hands. You have made me an apostate.

And I,

Know I started it all.

I broke the taboo. I am to blame for how we began, as I knew you belonged to another. I dared to want it all, to have it all, and forgot that I was never dependent on me alone. Now I wear my failure like a coat of ugly colours.

But I,

Know I started to run,

Towards you, even you as you ran further away. I was so caught up on who you could be, that I never stopped to think about whether you wanted to be what I saw in you. I would have followed you anywhere, for as long as it took, but I should have seen that it wasn’t what you wanted.

And You,

Won’t let go of the gun.

Our revolver of love and pain. Five times, you shot me as you let me go. Five times, I have died inside and then come back to life, after you again like a revenant. This time, with a tearful smile, I hold the barrel firm and welcome your last shot. There is no return; I am done.

And in that moment, reflecting on all that has happened to us, we ask ourselves:

“O god below, what have we done?”

*One of many versions inspired by RY X’s “Salt”


iRobot

I knew what love was.

Or maybe love is the wrong definition for what i felt. It was overwhelming, all consuming. It was way beyond fondness; that’s for sure.  It’s all gone now, and I cannot pretend to be empty, even if my chest feels hollow. You hold my heart in your hand. Maybe I am Davy Jones, my Celeste, but there is a certainty of loss that comes with the pain from the knife you stabbed it with. I am simply archiving the hurt. Colours hold no meaning now; I only see in greyscale.

Now when they ask me,

What is there to say? That I gave up my world for a new one, and lost both? That I traded everything for nothing? There is no substitute. There is no distraction. Only loss.

I just reply slow,

As my CPU has been corrupted. You are that virus, and there is no instant remedy. My memory is a cloud. You are that fever that one has to sweat out. You are the delirium that keeps me in a restless waking dream…and it really isn’t your fault.

It’s mine.

And sound like an iPhone.

The same one that I could not bear to look, at. Our conversations are in it, eternally preserved as a monument to my love and loss. I will not destroy it, as it’s a good reminder and a better lesson.

I do not know love.

For all I have learned and experienced, for alll the times I have been jaded, I know nothing. For all my prayers, plans, hopes and efforts, I was blind and thus, blindsided. I will have to learn again.

I am a robot.

*Inspired by Jon Bellion’s “iRobot”.


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