My thoughts and emotions are running amok. I want to see where they will take me this time…. Why the hell not? I never let them out to play, not without a fight, or stimulus to trigger it. I try to keep up, but know it would be futile. Compartmentalisation will not work here. It’s like unlocking Pandora’s box, and shutting that box will be my downfall. I will be shutting that box on my hope: you.
I stand alone, either in front, behind or in parallels with others, but you are beside me. My companion. I carry the weight of my past, as well as that of others. I brood, parlaying with my demons and graciously decline the general offers to share my burdens. It’s ironic; I gladly listen to others, and help without thinking twice. I do not even know how to divulge to anyone, not even my mother. You see that…you see me…yet you accept me. You do not know how to help, but you do not shy away from me. You know about my darkness, yet you embrace me.
I find it hard to accept it: you are there for me, simply because you love me. You do not push. You wait. You support me, simply with your silence. How I crave your touch right now….the concern in your eyes that belie your “okay”, even when I say I’m fine. I am slowly accepting that I need you.
Again, my mind is a mess, but one thing remains consistent: I do love you. Even when everything else is a pile of shit, that remains pure. I would do anything for you, just to make you happy. My happiness is tied to yours. I will not be vain enough to assume that my actions will insidiously save me from my demons. I must admit that I find peace in loving you. I know that I will never escape my demons, but you shine like the sun that dissipates my inner darkness. You are my talisman.
Despite all this, I dare not be self-absorbed and dwell on my faults. I am encouraged to do better…..be better. I will make you happier, my love. I will never weigh you the entirety of my burdens, but I promise, I will share my life with you. It is not because I distrust you, but it is hard to not worry about what experience has shown me. Yet, I am already way past that; the choice was made the moment I fell in love with you. You will know my fears, my hopes. You will share my sorrows…. Don’t worry about my joy; you are my joy. You do make me happy.
I really am grateful for you. I know what I would be like if I hadn’t been with you, and boy, am I glad that things are as they are right now. Words will never be enough, my darling, but I will continue to show you in every way how much you mean to me. I could try to finesse my words, but I feel raw. I hope my feelings reach you, and that you accept my sincerity. Truly, there is none like you.
I love you